Stories of The Mighty Boosh
by WhoThere
Summary: All i have done in this fanfic is write my own Mighty Boosh stories. It's kinda like a series 4 of the boosh. Read on and enjoy.
1. Kidnapped

Howard was sorting the Euros in the till, highest to lowest

Kidnapped

Howard was sorting the Euros in the till, highest to lowest.

"Oh yes, King of the till. That's me."

Vince was looking out the shop window then turned round to see what Howard was doing.

"Your not sorting out the Euros again are you?"

"Someone's got to do it Vince; otherwise it would be a shambles in there. They wouldn't know whether there coming or going."

Vince shook his head. "Yeah alright fair but that doesn't make you King."

Howard stared at Vince. "I think you find it does, I'm doing all the work and I deserve some gratitude."

Vince laughed. "Whatever."

"You know Vince you can be a part of it too if you want."

"Why would I want to be a part of your Euro kingdom?"

Howard smiled. "You can be a jester."

"Piss off! I'm not being a jester."

"You can have shiny boots."

"Alright then."

Howard closed the till, walked over to Vince and grabbed his arm. "Follow me."

10 MINUTES LATER

Howard and Vince walked back into the room dressed as a King and a Jester.

"With shiny boots." Vince added.

Vince turned to Howard. "Were not taking this to far are we?"

"Perhaps a little." Howard chucked away his sceptre. "There much better."

They stood there for a while doing nothing then Vince turned round to Howard.

"What do we do now?"

"I don't really know."

"What!"

"I was sort off hoping it would all work it self out."

Vince shook his head is dismay. "You are unbelievable Howard…wait a minute I've had an idea."

Howard steps back in amazement. "Really?"

"You know we have a gig at the Velvet Onion tonight. Well this could be our costumes."

"And what's the Crimp going to be?"

"Shit I hadn't thought that far ahead yet."

"That's brilliant Vince, half a plan; well done."

Vince walked over to the sofa in the shop and sat down on it.

"I don't see you doing any of the work, it's all me; my brains going to overheat at this rate."

Howard's face looked stern. "If we don't think off a Crimp, were going to have to use the emergency Crimp."

The lights in the shop faded off and on again. Howard looked round confused. "Why did they do that?"

Vince smiled. "Pretty cool isn't it."

"You did that?"

"I set the lights to do it; when ever you speak in a dramatic tone the lights do that fading thing."

Howard had a sarcastic look on his face. "You can do that with the lights, but I still have to help you get dressed."

"Hey, that was only putting on this jester outfit. All the zips were at the back."

Vince stood up and walked around, he started humming a tune; then they both started to Crimp.

"Jester Jester, Jester Jester.

Jesting round the kingdom,

Feeling up the shaman,

Jester Jester, Jester Jester.

16th century running around on empty,

Getting touched plenty,

Oh oh, Oh oh,

Running round with my fiddlestick,

Getting kicked along the River Styx's,

Feeling the pain when the devil hit's.

Jester Jester, Jester Jester.

Light at the end of the tunnel,

Why does it look like a funnel?

Oh oh, Oh oh,

King tugging at his vest,

Maybe it's all for the best,

Jester Jester, Jester Jester,

Oh,

Jester Jester,

Oh,

Jester Jester,

Oh,

JESTER!"

Vince smiled at Howard. "Now that's a Crimp."

LATER ON THAT NIGHT AT THE VELVET ONION

Howard and Vince are backstage. Vince is deciding what hat to wear and Howard is massaging his throat and adjusting his crown.

"Right, you ready Vince?"

"Hang on I can't find the right hat."

"What do you mean you can't find the right hat? You spent an hour in your room choosing your hat."

"I was doing something else for an hour, involving magazines and women."

"Vince that's disgusting."

"I always do it before we go on stage, helps relax me, oh and I weren't in my room."

"What?"

"It was yours; you might want to change the sheets too."

Bob Fossil walked on to the stage and talked into the microphone.

"Alright I hope you enjoyed that because he ain't coming back; now it's who you've been waiting for all night, that's why we put them on last. It's Vince Noir and Howard Moon, its The Mighty Bosh!"

Everyone in the audience went quite.

"It's The Mighty Boosh you retarded donkey!" Vince shouted out.

Bob looked confused at Vince and Howard. "Whatever, I don't care just do whatever you do."

Howard and Vince walked on the stage and the crowed started to cheer and called out.

"We love you Vince."

"Vince rules."

Vince smiled at the comments.

"Hello to all my fans!" Howard called out.

The crowd went quiet and a man in the front row said. "Alright Harry."

"It's Howard! Idiot."

Vince laughed to himself.

"Just do the Crimp Vince."

They started to do the Jester Crimp and the fans loved it, Bob watched them from behind the Curtain; then out of the blue a green hand with fingerless gloves went over Bob's mouth and pulled him away. Vince and Howard were still Crimping and the crowed were all dancing around uncontrollably. When they had finished Vince and Howard walked though the curtain to see Bob on the floor with the letter H on his stomach wrote in a green felt tip.

Howard ran over to Bob's side. "Whose heart would be black enough to do this?"

"I know." Vince put his hands on his sides. "No one uses that shade of green anymore, it revolting; doesn't go with anything."

"Vince!"

"What?! I didn't write that on his stomach."

A shady figure appeared from the shadows. "That's right boy! I wrote on his stomach; it's my calling card."

"Who are you?" Vince murmured.

The man stepped out of the shadows and he was wearing a long black coat with a red interior and a black top hat with small polo's around it. His face was green with a giant polo on his left eye and long white hair.

"I'm your worst nightmare boy!"

A/N: This is my first Mighty Boosh Fanfic, so please review it and tell me what you thought. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW, I beg you.


	2. Kidnapped Part 2

I do not own The Mighty Boosh, forgot to say that earlier on

I do not own The Mighty Boosh, forgot to say that earlier on. This is purely for fun…and fans. Lol.

Kidnapped

"Who are you?" Vince murmured.

The green faced man looked confused. "I just said didn't I?"

"I mean your name."

The man smiled. "All you need to know is I'm a hitcher! Now for the important bit."

"What's that?" Vince asked.

"You boy." An evil cockney smile covered his face.

Vince smiled back. "Cool."

Howard sighed. "Vince that's not cool."

The Hitcher spoke again to Vince. "You look and smell vaguely like a bird; so as my duty as an evil cockney I'm gonna' kidnap ya! I might even rape you later, got' a check if everything is still working down there."

He ran over to Vince and grabbed his arm and pulled out a small square device and pressed the red button, but nothing happened.

The Hitcher looked puzzled. "It was working earlier when I brought it off some man in an ape suit. Cost me 50 euros." He turned to Vince. "Here mate, hold this back panel down for me would ya?"

Vince grabbed the device and held the panel down.

"Vince what are you doing!?" Howard cried out.

The Hitcher pressed the button and they vanished in to thin air. All that could be heard was a faint murmur of The Hitchers voice. "So long slag…Christ I need a slash."

Howard stood on the spot amazed at what just happened. "What am I going to do? Wait, Naboo'll know what to do!

Howard ran back to Naboo's shop as fast as his skinny legs would move. "NABOO! NABOO!" He yelled out.

Naboo walked out from behind the counter. "Where the hell have you and Vince been?"

"We were at the Velvet Onion doing our gig then Vince got kidnapped by an evil cockney Hitcher."

"He didn't get bribed by something shiny again did he?"

"No."

Naboo sighed. "Why didn't you chase after him?"

"He teleported away, said he brought it off a man in an ape suit."

Now it was Bollo's turn to walk out from behind the counter, he was wearing an apron saying "Come 69 with me" and had a wooden spoon in his hand. "That would of been me, he was a tall guy with a green face and a polo on his eye."

"Yeah that was him."

Bollo carried on. "You say he used a teleporter Harry."

"It's Howard."

"Whatever."

"He had a teleporter that didn't really work; you know Bollo you shouldn't really sell merchandise that doesn't work properly. Kind of betrays the salesman client trust."

Bollo just stared at him. "And you wonder why you have no friends."

Naboo butted in. "Look we've got to save Vince now, it's almost 12 o'clock and that's when Shamans XXX channel starts and I'm not missing that."

"Ok, I'm ready to save Vince, Naboo." Howard said in a courageous voice.

"All I've got to do is trace the signal and we can fly there on the carpet."

Howard turned to Bollo. "What are you doing with that spoon?"

He hid the wooden spoon behind his back, tilted his head and mumbled. "Bollo has needs."

At The Hitchers Hideout

Vince was walking around a huge medieval castle. "You know you need to accessorise this place up."

The Hitcher looked up from reading the Evil Cockney Newspaper. "You what boy!?"

"I mean look at it, this place looks older than Howard; you need to add little things here and there."

Hitcher smiled an evil grin. "And what little objects would they be boy?"

"For a start you could get a carpet."

"Not very evil though boy, I was going for the evil look."

"How about tiles?" Vince suggested.

"Now why the bloody hell would I want…actually that's not a bad idea. What sort of tiles could I posses?"

"Whatever you style want."

Hitcher sat down on an old decrepit chair and sighed. "It's all IKEA now init boy." He sighed again. "Look at me boy, what am I doing with my life? Living in some old castle, stealing women and now men that look like women. There's no more of my kind about any more, I'm obsolete; a dying breed. And the bastards swiped my porno mags; oh I've had some lonely nights. Yanking away at it, it's alive I tell you boy, like an eel on a plate of ice."

"What you need to do is get a new look, I'm doing it all the time." Vince said.

"I can't get a new look." He mumbled.

"Why not, it would be great."

"Have you seen me boy!? I look like an apple with a polo on his eye. I'm a freak boy, a freak of nature herself."

"So is Howard but that doesn't stop him."

Hitcher shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, fair point."

Outside The Hitchers Hideout

Howard and Naboo finally arrived on the magic carpet at the old decrepit castle. They both got off the carpet sheepishly.

"Let's never speak off that journey again." Naboo told Howard.

They run up to a huge castle door, bits off it were chipping off and the paint was almost gone. Next to it was a phone, Howard picked up the phone and listened; it was The Hitcher's voice.

"If you are here to pick up the washing press 1. If you are here to leave the washing press 2. If you are here to reserve...hang on boy that's Argos."

"Oi, Howard." Naboo called out.

"What?"

"I found the back door."

So they went though the back door hoping to find Vince and defeat the black hearted monster known as The Hitcher...or something like that.

Up in the sky there was a large white object that spun round, he was called The Moon.

"You know The Moon is in charge of the gravitational pull on earth, and in charge off the sea on Earth...wait, I'm The Moon." He spun back round.

Naboo and Howard crept around the castle looking for Vince, in the castle they found various creatures of the deep and high. Also for some reason Bob Fossil.

"Hey, help me out here; I got lost looking for a Starbucks. I'm not in Starbucks am I? I heard their service sucks but this is ridiculous."

Howard and Naboo kept on searching until Naboo said. "I think this is the room."

"What makes you think that?"

Naboo pointed to the door they were standing in front off; it had huge neon words saying Hitcher's Pad.

Howard looked at up at it. "Oh, fair do's."

They ran in to the room to see the Hitcher wearing an artificial tiger skinned coat with blue trousers.

"And who are you two slag's?"

Howard stepped forward. "We've come to take Vince back."

"I don't think so! He's staying with me; he's still got to redesign my bedroom. Now piss off or I'll cut you slag's up!"

Howard turned to Naboo. "How are we going to get Vince back Naboo?"

"I've got an idea." He replied.

"How about I set you up with a 52" plasma screen TV, and you give us Vince back."

The Hitcher stood on the spot thinking about the offer just made. "Throw in a DVD player and you got yourself a deal."

"Deal." Naboo said, and he shock The Hitchers green hand.

5 MINUTES LATER

Vince, Naboo and Howard were flying back on the carpet to the shop, they saw various animals fly by on there journey. When they arrived they saw Bollo with a huge plasma screen TV and a DVD player.

"You got my message then." Naboo said.

"You know this is our TV and DVD player?" Bollo questioned.

"It's alright, Howard can steal us another one from the Velvet Onion."

"What!?" He shouted out.

"I'll see you in a minute; I'll go and set this up round that green dude's castle." And with that Bollo stepped on the flaying carpet and set off for the Hitchers castle.

Later on that evening (after Howard had been forced to steal a TV and DVD player) they were all sitting round the TV like a family...almost.

"Oh God!" Naboo cried out.

"What is it?" Vince asked.

"Shaman XXX." Was Naboo's only answer.

Back At The Hitchers Hideout

The Hitcher turned on the TV and Shamans XXX channel popped up.

"What the bloody hell is this, all I did was...how the hell did she bend like that?"

There that was my first Boosh story, I think it's good but that's not up to me. PLEASE REVIEW my story, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Reviews are like shiny shoes for me. Lol!


	3. Night of the Street Monkeys

I do not own The Mighty Boosh.

A/N: It's been a while since my last Boosh story, but at last i've done my second one. Well when i say second one i mean this is only part 1, part 2 is to come later. Anyway enjoy this story as i've created my own character for it.

* * *

Night of the Street Monkeys.

* * *

"Vince what are you doing?" Howard had his hands on his hips.

Vince pulled a face to say what does it look like I'm doing. "I'm training these street monkeys to look fashionable and not like little hairy rag-a-muffins."

There were six monkeys standing there wearing fashionable clothes and accessories, such as sun glasses and bandanas.

"They're wild animals Vince and there is no such thing as street monkeys in Dalston."

Naboo walked in to the shop and brushed himself down. "Those street monkeys are getting worse, I had to beat one of them just to let go of this magic shaman super gel, anyway here you go." He threw the gel to Vince.

"All right, thanks Naboo." He opened it up and showed it to Howard. "This stuff can style and hold anything, even your weird hair."

"My hair is not weird, just misunderstood."

Vince smiled. "That's not what Gloria said."

"How do you know Gloria?"

"What, you think she lives at that jazz club? I was out one night, bumped into her and we started talking."

Howard was starting to get nervous now. "What about?"

Vince smiled thinking about what he knew. "I know why you walk that way."

"What way?"

"Don't worry; your secrets are safe with me." Vince opened the shop door and walked out with the monkeys following behind.

"What secrets?!" Howard shouted after him.

Bollo walked down the stairs just to hear Howard shout out. "Secret of why you walk funny."

He spun round. "What! How do you know?"

"Gloria, she tell interesting secrets."

"They're not true Bollo."

"Not what Gloria said."

"I'm not going to stand here and have my dignity ripped away from me by a vicious rumour." Howard stomped out of the shop.

Naboo tapped Bollo to get his attention. "He does walk funny doesn't he?"

He grunted with agreement.

Howard walked down the street trying to walk as normal as possible but every so often people would laugh and whisper. He walked down a dark alley to be alone with his thoughts and began to sing.

"So alone, shunned by everyone and everything, so alone.

All I ever wanted was to be part of the crowd,

But all I ever got was the finger and a dirty word.

Now I'm at the grand old age of forty and I'm still looking in,

From the dark and depressing outside."

Howard looked down at his feet to see a street monkey staring at him with kind eyes.

"Deep down in this dark alley I find a monkey,

His eyes tell a similar story.

All his life he was shunned as well, and I know how that feel's.

So we share our sorrow with each other, forever and a day.

Maybe we should give them another chance,

Maybe we should forgive and forget."

Howard walked out of the ally with the monkey following causally behind; they stood on the spot and breathed a deep sigh of relief until someone shouted out. "Go shag your monkey friend you bowlegged freak."

"Right, that's it." Once again Howard stomped off into the alley with a plan in his mind.

BACK AT THE NABOOTIQUE

Naboo was at the counter with Bollo sitting in a deck chair reading the newspaper.

"Where the hell are Howard and Vince?"

Bollo shrugged.

"Well this isn't good enough, why should I be looking after my own shop? Also we've got a gig in half an hour."

Bollo looked up from the newspaper. "Where at?"

"The Rounded Square."

He sighed. "I put on G-string."

"And a bra this time, borrow one of Howard's."

Just then Vince banged the shop door open and his six monkeys followed in behind him.

"Where have you been Vince?" Naboo questioned.

"I was out with these guys," He pointed to the monkeys in their now very fashionable clothes. They were covered in lipstick kisses. "They really know how to party," Vince pointed to a monkey wearing a white jumpsuit and dark blue sunglasses. "Barry here was an animal, busting moves all over the place."

"I don't care Vince, just look after the shop. Me and Bollo are going to a gig in half an hour."

"Where at?"

"The Rounded Square."

"Isn't that a kid's birthday tent?"

"Yeah." Naboo went upstairs to get ready.

Some of the monkeys started to look at Vince and howl. "I'm sorry guys but you've got to go now. Howard said I'm not allowed any friends round when I'm in the shop alone."

The street monkeys sighed and walked out of the shop.

"Don't worry guys," Vince called after them. "I'll see you later."

Naboo came down the stairs with his DJ equipment and his flying rug. "After the gig we're going to stop by drugs 'r' us, you want anything?"

"Nah, I'm cool thanks."

"Come on Bollo were going, and get drugs 'r' us club card," he called up the stairs. "I think there's a special deal on." "And Vince don't sell the shop for a hat again."

"That was a one off Naboo, won't happen again."

Bollo came trudging down the stairs wearing his "costume".

Vince jumped back in fear. "What the hell is that?"

"G-string and bra." He grunted in reply.

"But it's a kid's party you're going too!"

Bolo stood on the spot thinking for a moment. "That midget bastard." He ran off out of the shop after Naboo.

Vince stood at the counter waiting for closing time, he looked at the clock and it read 21:57.

"No one would mind if I shut the shop three minutes early, would they? I mean what could possibly happen? Nothing, that's what."

Vince searched for the shop keys; once he found them he grabbed his fashionable jacket and locked the front door behind him. He headed up the street the find his monkey crew.

Just then a plump man wearing a very expensive suit walked by and stared at the Nabootique. "That's a shame, if this shop was still open I was going to give it a thousands euros out of the kindness of my heart. But it's not so, oh well…"

"I can open it back up you know." Vince shouted from the top of the street.

"What?" The man shouted in surprise.

He ran back towards the shop. "I'll open it back up, and then you give me the money right?"

"Oh well, I…erm, I think I can hear my shed calling me…what's that dear? Ok I'm coming back now." He walked off up the street trying not run but move fast at the same time.

Vince put his hands on his side and shook his head. "Toss pot."

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

* * *

Naboo walked into the kitchen to see Vince and Bollo at the breakfast table, Vince was eating Goth Fairy corn flakes and Bollo was eating a bacon and banana sandwich.

"Vince have you seen Howard lately?"

He looked up confused. "Who?"

"Howard, your best friend."

"Do you mean the guy with legs like wet string and hair like gravy?"

"Yeah that's him."

"No, I haven't seen him, what about you Bollo?"

"No, I haven't seen Gary Numan." He chuckled to himself.

Vince took what he said to heart and jumped up out of his seat. "Oi, you hairy ball bag, Gary is twice the ape you ever were."

Naboo raised his voice, even though it was still quiet. "Shut up you two, I think Howard is missing."

Vince's eyes widened in horror and so did Bollo's.

Naboo carried on. "We've got find him fast…the bastard still owes me three months rent and now he's done a runner."

A/N: I no, no new character yet, but he is coming. So what did you think? As good as my last one or not, please be kind; also please review, please please please...and thank you. :D


	4. Night of the Street Monkeys Part 2

* * *

I do not own The Mighty Boosh.

A/N: This was the hardest story to end and I don't even know why, that's why it's so late. But it's finished now and I'm writing my next one, Genie in the Door Handle; you don't even want to know how I got that idea lol. Thank you to all my reviewers Beechwood0708, swisstony (very cool name), HalianFromPlanetZork, chugirl2526 and -Sassy-Saz-. Enjoy the story :) Oh and Beechwood0708, you were right, it does work itself out.

* * *

**Night of the Street Monkeys Part 2**

* * *

"Howard! Howard! Howard!" Bollo and Naboo were shouting after him. Vince was talking to man selling hats; he was selling them four for 30 euros or two for 5 euros.

"Vince what are you doing, we're supposed to be looking for Howard."

"I know and I am, I just had to buy this." He held up a blue cowboy hat with green stars around it. "Look what it can do." Vince folded it inside out and it was now a red hat with a white skull and cross bones on it, and he folded it inside out again and it was black with crystals along the edge. "It folds into any style you want. That stall guy works in New Look and he recognized me; so I got a discount on it."

"Ok, but now let's look for Howard." Naboo insisted.

"Nice hat Vince." Bollo said.

"Thanks, I'll order you one measured to fit your head size once we've found Howard."

Things were looking grim. They searched the streets all day hoping to find their lost friend but to no avail. It would seem that all hope was lost.

"You're right depressing you." Vince said.

I'm only reading what's been written.

"Yeah but you're a right depressing narrator…hang on why have we got a narrator?"

Erm, well…

Vince looked round and saw a blue man with a microphone. "Are you the narrator?"

I…well, thing is.

"Come on let's get him." Vince said to Naboo and Bollo.

Please don't hurt me; I'm but a simple blue narrator.

"If you're the narrator then you know where Howard is." Naboo said.

I can't tell you, it's against the narrator code.

"Bollo, shake him until he tells us the truth."

No don't please, I'll tell you where he is if you promise to still let me narrate.

"Ok." Vince replied.

Take a right at the next corner then follow the road to a dead end, knock on the fence three times and he'll be there.

"You better be telling the truth." He warned.

So the three of them followed the narrator…I mean my instructions. Soon enough they were at a huge fence covered in vines and leaves.

Vince nodded in agreement to what he saw. "Nice, I like the whole jungle look; next time you're in the forest Bollo go for this."

"Ok Vince will do."

Naboo raised his twelve year old looking hand and knocked on the fence three times. There was a shudder and the sound of old wood squeaking, then a peep hole opened up and a pair of angry yellow eye's looked out. "What do you want?" The voice sounded gruff.

"We want Howard back now!" Vince demanded.

The yellow eye's looked confused. "There is no Howard here, what does he look like?"

"Tall, moustache like a dead ferret; bit of a jazz weirdo."

"You mean our King, yes he's in."

"Can we see him?" Vince asked.

The pair of yellow eye's thought for a moment. "I don't see why not."

The fence once again creaked and shuddered, the vibration made some of the leaves and vines brake off; then a small door to the side opened and a hairy monkey head popped out. "Come on in." It said.

"I got a bad feeling about this." Bollo said.

They stepped inside. "You really need some WD-40 for that door." Vince suggested.

"I know; I'm going to pop out to Wilkinson's in a minute."

Bollo looked round the place with a tear in his eye; Vince put his arm round Bollo's shoulder. "It's reminds you of the jungle doesn't it?"

"Bollo remember place like this when he was very little, all my friends would swing around and play. But soon enough the trees began to fall because of tree cutters, many of Bollo's friends got caught up in the tree cutters."

"What did you do?" Vince asked.

"I burnt down place and got money off tree cutters."

Vince's eye's widened. "Right."

One of the monkeys came up to Vince and said. "Follow me; we will take you to our King."

They were led into a huge temple made out of grass, leaves, logs and bits of twigs. Inside was Howard sitting on a throne wearing a fur coat and a crown made out of…?

"Is that crown made out of…?" Vince was cut off by Howard.

"Let's just forget about the crown shall we, it was made on short notice and what they considered to be sacred."

Naboo stepped up. "Come on Howard you've got to come home."

"You only want me back because of the rent."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well tough luck because I'm where I belong now, I'm finally appreciated here."

One of the monkeys tapped Vince on the shoulder and whispered. "Why does he walk funny?"

"Well Gloria said that it was because…"

Howard overheard what his so called best friend was saying. "Shut up Vince!"

"I'm only saying what I heard."

"Just shut up."

"Come on Howard, come back home."

He turned away from Vince.

"Don't you remember all the good times we had, like the time we watched that scary movie?"

Howard smiled remembering it then they both went off into a crimp.

"Scary movie 12 o'clock,

Tick tock tick tock,

We see the fool running from the ghoul,

Tick tock tick tock,

Up the hall trying to be cool, but he falls.

Races to the end but there is a bend,

Tick tock tick tock,

What to do, when why how and who?

Getting caught when he's at fault,

He should have been taught,

Don't drink malt, when shouting halt.

Tock tick tock tick,

Were going back in time, hey look at that mime,

Tick tock tick tock,

Rubber rock,

Tick tock tick tock,

Belongs to a croc,

TICK TOCK!"

They both laughed at the memory.

"They may have been good times Vince but a simple crimp won't bring me back."

"Come on Howard please."

"No! That's final, this is where I belong; as the street monkey king. As of tonight my monkeys shall all be let loose and they will take their revenge on the world…well Dalston at least, blood will fill the streets and we shall claim back what is rightfully ours."

Vince, Naboo and Bollo huddled together.

"He's gone bonkers." Vince said.

"All of that power has gone to his head."

"What do we do?" Bollo asked.

Naboo sighed. "I'm going to have to use all of my shaman power to get Howard to come round."

They all nodded and broke off their circle.

"You've asked for it Howard, Naboo going to unleash his entire shaman power on you now." Vince warned.

Naboo took a deep breath in and said. "Oi you lanky twat, you're not a monkey king so get back to the shop now!"

Vince stared at Naboo. "What the hell was that?"

"Just before I did the spell I just remembered that I've been banned from using my shaman powers for two months because I didn't pay for my new license."

Howard laughed. "Take them to the dungeons."

One of the monkey's walked up to Howard and whispered in his ear.

"What do you mean there's a rave going on in the dungeons? Why is there a rave, it's a dungeon for god's sake?"

The monkey shrugged his shoulders.

"Just take them there." He sighed.

"I've got an idea." Vince murmured to himself. "Howard, I challenge you to a game of Guitar Hero."

"What?"

Vince smiled. "If I win you come back with us and the monkeys don't kill anyone,"

Howard finished the sentence. "And if I win there will be terror, destruction and…" He looked round to see everyone had gone. "Bastards."

Down in the dungeons where the rave was taking place Vince and Howard were preparing to showdown.

"So what song are we playing?" Howard asked, he'd rather be playing Jazz.

Vince smiled an evil grin.

"Oh no Vince not that one!"

"The Devil went down to Georgia, on expert."

All the monkeys around let out a low oooohhing noise and whispered between each other.

"I'm going to kick your arse Howard."

"Language Vince."

"Sorry."

Naboo held up a flag and said. "3 2 1 GO!"

The song started and the two Guitar Heroes began to press franticly at their guitars trying to match up the super fast colours, so far no one had made a mistake; Vince was posed in a classic Rock position while playing. Howard tried to copy but the clothes he was wearing painfully reminded him not too. The further on into the song they got the more focused they became until Vince let out a scream and fell to the floor.

"The colours, too many colours. I can't see, help me. Howard help!"

The monkeys were urging Howard to continue as Vince was now out and was calling for his best friends help.

"Oh god, help me; I'm fading, Guitar Coma!"

Howard chucked his Guitar down and went to Vince's side. "It's alright Vince I'm here now; I need you to think of dark depressing colours; nice and dark."

He started to calm down and slowly gained his consciousness again. "Flipping heck Howard, I almost lost it then."

"You weren't ready for that song Vince; it was too much too soon."

Howard looked round at all the monkeys staring at him. "I'm sorry my friends, I'm not your King; maybe you should try to forgive the humans for their acts of cruelty and…"

The monkeys started to look threateningly at him.

Howard turned round to look for his friends. "Oh you can still run then Vince!"

BACK AT THE NABOOTIQUE

"I thought them monkeys had us then." Vince said out of breath.

Howard walked in with a limp. "Well they did get me!"

"Sorry."

Howard sat down gently and thought for a moment. "What did Gloria say about me walking funny Vince?"

"Well she said that it was to do with…"

* * *

**_THE MIGHTY BOOSH

* * *

_**

A/N: I thought it was ok, tell me what you thought; and those monkeys still look pretty ticked off! Lol!

* * *


	5. Genie in the Door Handle

* * *

I do not own The Mighty Boosh.

A/N: The title pretty much explains itself, I'm quite impressed with this chapter and the next one. Also can you guess which Boosh actor plays the Genie, you get a free TOPSHOP voucher if you guess right. lol!

* * *

**_ Genie in the Door Handle_**

* * *

A VERY LONG TIME AGO (that means before I pods were invented)

A cloaked man with a cockney voice was sat at a judge's bench. "Genie you are to be imprisoned for life after committing serious offences, said offences are: - having a gang bang with deformed Hobos, taking a piss in a water supply and swearing at elderly women…oh and trying to destroy the world Toosh, almost forgot that one. You are to be imprisoned in a door handle and sent to earth were you shall never be freed again…ever.

Do you have any last words before I imprison you?"

The Genie's face twisted in anger. "I have but one you arse, you…"

The judge pressed a button and the Genie was sucked into a stainless steel door handle. He chuckled to him self. "I love cutting them off, next offender step forward." A little boy stepped forward.

"Oh my God you're Kirk, god you're the worst of the lot boy…"

PRESENT DAY IN THE NABOOTIQUE

"It's filthy in this shop Bollo you know that?" Howard said.

Bollo shrugged.

Vince's scream filled the shop and he run down the stairs. "I just got attacked by a huge cobweb; it got stuck in my hair and everything."

Bollo rushed over. "Vince is your hair ok?"

He started to calm down. "I think so; most of it should come out pretty easy."

"Vince, grab a duster were cleaning up this place, it ridiculous how filthy it got, I can only blame myself…and Naboo."

"What?! I don't clean the shop that's Naboo's job."

"Come on Vince, you could find out that it might just be fun."

"I doubt it; it's about as fun as a turtle being a dart board and getting woodpeckers thrown at it."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong Vince, turtles enjoy that a lot.

"Haaaaayyyyyyy!!" Vince and Howard both went, jokingly.

Vince laughed. "That was a good one."

"I know" Howard said modestly. "But seriously, get a cloth."

AT THE SECRET LOCATION OF THE BOARD OF SHAMAN

Dennis, Saboo, Tony Harrison, Kirk and Naboo sat round a table in a mystical forest.

"As you know Naboo," Dennis said "We have been tracking a strange energy signature and we believe that it's "The Genie's"."

"Not the Genie!"

"Yes, the Genie."

"But the Genie,"

Tony Harrison butted in. "Alright, alright we know his name is the Genie; bloody hell! You're just as bad as Mrs. Harrison, I tell her about it and all she keeps saying is Genie fucking Genie!"

Saboo faced Tony. "You discussed private Shaman matters with your wife?"

He stuttered. "W…well she likes to know what I've been up too."

Saboo shook his head in disgrace. "So if you got captured by an enemy force all they would have to do is ask and you would tell them everything, so when it comes down to the crunch you would fail."

"Oh shit off about the crunch would you!"

"This is an outrage!" Saboo mocked.

"Oi, that's my line, you little…"

"That's enough you two," Dennis shouted. "All this aggravation is not good for Kirk; it will make him violent and uncontrollable, he's hard enough to contain at the best of times."

All of them calmed down and took deep breaths.

"Right, we think that Genie is at your shop Naboo and he has been imprisoned in a stainless steel door handle."

Tony was trying to suppress his laughter.

"What is it now?" Naboo said angrily.

"Who imprisons a magical offender in a door handle, I could escape from there in a second; and why the fuck send him here. This is an outrage!"

Saboo mimicked Tony saying "This is an outrage!" and Naboo laughed.

"Oi you twat, are you taking the piss out of me again?!"

Dennis put his head in his hand and mumbled. "Why did even assemble you all?"

Tony was wriggling about franticly. "Come on I'll have you, I'll beat you black and blue, and I'll put you in your coffin!"

Saboo laughed. "You're a pink ball sack with small tentacles what can you do to me?!"

BACK AT THE NABOOTIQUE

"Can't believe I'm doing this, I'm a gifted musician; we should be at the Velvet Onion by now." Vince moaned.

"Don't worry it's all under control Vince, I rang Bob Fossil and told him the situation."

"What, that we were cleaning?"

"Well I had to stretch the truth a little bit."

SEVEN MINUTES EARLIER

"I'm sorry Mr. Fossil but Vince and I can't appear tonight."

"Why not?! I need a freaking act! What's so important that you can't appear?!"

"Erm? It's Vince."

"Oh my god is he alright?"

"I'm afraid not, he's………lost all his hair. He's completely broke up about it and ……Hello?"

Bob had hung up the phone and called out to………someone. "Put on the humping gazelles again, Vince and Harry have pulled out. I hate whites."

PRESENT DAY

"Oi Howard, what's this door handle for?"

Howard sighed. "A door Vince."

"I know that but it's just sitting here, doing nothing." Vince threw it to Howard who clumsily caught it and rubbed it with his cloth to clean it, a huge purple mist filled the room.

"Blimey Howard, you got to warn me before you let one off like that." Vince said laughing.

"That's not funny Vince."

An evil sinister laughter filled the room. "Ah, free at last."

"Vince was that you?" Howard said trembling.

"Since when do I sound like that?"

The mist cleared and a man in Genie's clothes and a leather trench coat stood there, he had a strong looking moustache on his upper lip.

"God I've been in there for too long."

"Who are you?" Howard asked.

"I'm the Genie and you ass is mine." He paused and looked at Vince. "Nice style, I like your hair."

Vince smiled. "Thanks, I like your moustache too, goes really well with the Genie look."

Howard tried to join in. "Yeah…cool trench coat."

"Shut it Jazz freak!"

Vince smirked but hid it when Howard stared at him.

"How did you know I like Jazz?"

"I'm a bloody Genie for God sakes; you should see me when I'm with Jimmy Savile."

Vince and Howard looked at each other confused.

"Well I guess I should be off now." The Genie walked out the Nabootique leaving Vince and Howard standing there confused.

LATER THAT DAY

Naboo came back in to the shop at a great speed, Howard looked up and smiled but he got blanked. Vince walked down the stairs and waved at Naboo but once again no reaction came from him.

"What's wrong with Naboo?" Vince questioned.

"I don't know little man; Naboo is a very hard man…er shaman, to read. He's like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in ……" Howard looked up to see that Vince wasn't there. "Why do people keep doing that?"

"Sorry Howard I just had to get my hat, I rung up Bob Fossil again and he's got us a gig in five minutes."

"When were you going to tell me this Vince, I'm not ready yet; I need time to mentally and physically prepare myself. I need to get in the zone."

"What zone?"

"My zone, Vince."

"What's that?"

"How do you think I can crimp like I do?"

"'Cause you copy me."

"I don't copy you Vince."

"Yes you do, how come you always say what I say?"

"That's because I have joined my mind with yours on a deep and subconscious level, we have become one. Like a bird becomes one with the sky and the wind with the sun."

"So in other words you copy me."

Howard paused realizing Vince was sort off right. "Just shut up go."

Upstairs Naboo was searching franticly for a stainless steel door handle, he was chucking boxes everywhere; but then his eyes connected with it as he saw it on the floor. Naboo picked it up and felt for dark energy but nothing was there. "Oh no, Genie has been released." He murmured.

* * *

A/N: Come on you must know the drill by now, you review i write; its a good system. Let me know how good my chapters are...Please!


	6. Genie in the Door Handle Part 2

A/N: I'm back, it's back; everything is back. I started watching Mighty Boosh episodes again and had a series of great ideas. Anyway, enjoy this chapter and the following.

I do not own The Mighty Boosh.

Genie in the Door Handle Part 2

Vince and Howard were at the Velvet Onion crimping and playing Vince's new mix; at one point they had passed two Gazelles who looked pretty down but apart from that all was good. After the crimp had finished a man stood up in a trench coat slowly clapping.

"Well done boys, very good! But I think I can beat you at your own game."

"What are you on about?" Vince said with his hands on his side.

"Time for a Crimp off, old school style."

Howard flinched at these words.

"What's old school style?" Vince asked.

"Old school is a one on one Crimp off; you have to add to the other persons Crimp until you can't add anymore, you need to be in sync with the other persons mind."

The Genie carried on what he was saying. "And I challenge you Vince Noir!" He pointed into Vince's direction with an evil smile on his face.

#

"Oi Bollo you jerk off!" Naboo shouted.

"What?" He answered.

"I think the Genie has escaped from his mystical prison."

"What Genie?"

"The Genie that could destroy everything."

"Oh, that Genie."

"I've got to trace his mystical energy and imprison him in this door handle once again."

Bollo looked at it and nodded. "That's a nice door handle."

#

Vince stood on the stage with Howard massaging his shoulders to reduce the tension, even though Vince looked cool and calm and Howard was the one sweating.

"Keep it short and sweat Vince, you can beat this guy."

"What happens if I lose?" Vince asked.

"Erm…best not to think about that just give it your all."

Bob Fossil walked out onto the stage. "What the freak are you doing Aladdin!?" He asked the Genie.

"I'm challenging Noir to a Crimp off mortal."

"Mortal!" Bob exclaimed. "You sound like my retarded father, do you know him?"

"Be gone now or I'll turn you into dust."

"And I'll put your face on your arse!"

The Genie scratched his head. "What are you gibbering about you idiot, you're not making sense."

"I'm going to be all over you like a nun sandwich!" Fossil warned.

"What's a nun sandwich you twat?"

Bob started to walk away shouting. "Go away! Your logic makes me feel like a dick!"

Genie shook his head then turned to Vince. "Time to die pretty girl."

"Did he say die?"

Howard shook his head vigorously. "No he didn't its just bad acoustics in here."

Music began to play and Genie started off the crimp with Vince following.

"Genies coming for ya,"

"He's gunna vaporize ya!"

"Coming at you like a beam,"

"He's got a mad scheme,"

"Genie, Genie,"

"In his little turban,"

"Genie, Genie,"

"In his little turban!"

"When I get my hands on ya, POOF!"

Bob Fossil laughed. "Ha-ha, he said poof."

"You're gonna wish you were never born, he'll disappear by dawn."

"I'll leave you in your room mourning just as the day is dawning!"

"He's coming at ya,"

"I might cut ya,"

"Genie, Genie!"

"In my little Turban,"

"Genie, Genie!"

"In my little Turban,"

"Look to the left look to the right,"

"I'm ready for a fight,"

"Don't be tight!"

"Vince likes to fly his kite."

"The Genie's got no might!"

"You can't beat me I'm the Genie and I'm free,"

"My fist your face doosh!"

"I originated from the planet Toosh,"

"You can't beat me and Howard because we're The Mighty Boosh!"

The crowd went wild and cheered Vince's name, Howard run up to him and went to kiss Vince but was pushed away.

"What you doing?!"

"I'm sorry I got caught up in the moment."

Bob walked up to Vince. "Vincey baby, that was great; I had three orgasms from that! Even my mother…"

"Ok that's enough Mr. Fossil, perhaps you should go do some work now; far away, in your office."

Genie stood on the stage on with his hands on his side. "Well done you bastard!"

"So you not are going to take over earth anymore?" Vince asked.

"I wasn't going to in the first place but after you beat me I think I will."

"Oh." Vince said realizing what he had just done.

"So long!" And he walked out of the Velvet Onion very casually.

"Why doesn't anyone stop him?" Howard wondered out loud.

Naboo and Bollo jumped out from behind the curtains with a stainless steel door handle in their hands.

"Nobody move!" Bollo said.

"It's all under control." Naboo added.

"You're too late." Vince told them.

"I told you to forget about your banana and bacon sandwich." Naboo moaned to Bollo.

"Sorry."

Naboo turned to Vince. "Did he say how he was going to take over earth?"

"No he just walked out."

"This isn't good; we need to come up with a plan."

They all stared at Howard.

"Oh right that's me," Howard racked his mind but he could think of nothing. "How was he imprisoned in the first place?"

"Well," Naboo began. "From what Wikipedia has told me he had a gang bang with deformed Hobos, took a piss in water supply, swore at a granny and tried to destroy the planet Toosh." Just then Naboo thought of a plan. "Of course, I know how to imprison him again."

They all looked at Naboo waiting for him to tell them but nothing happened. he just stood there like a happy twelve year old boy in a toy shop.

"What's happened to him?" Howard asked.

Bollo mumbled to himself, pulled out a coin and placed it in a small slit in Naboo's turban. A metallic churning noise could be heard and Naboo once again snapped back into action. "If he offends again he will automatically be imprisoned."

"Great!" Howard exclaimed. "So all we have to do is wait for him to commit a crime."

"It has to be a crime that he was sent away for, that's why we need you."

Howard looked at them nervously with his small shrimp eyes. "Why? What are you going to do with me? No! Get away!"

"Howard?" Vince said. "We haven't done anything yet."

"Oh right, yeah."

#

Howard sat next to several bins wearing torn and grubby clothes, down a very dark and disturbing alley.

"Burn in hell the lot of you!" He shouted out.

"Come on don't be like that Howard. It took me ages to get your clothes to look that trampish."

"Howard Moon is a respected citizen, my life should be noble and of the upmost importance."

"Weren't you a bin cleaner once?" Vince said.

"Just get on with it." He snapped.

"Ok, Naboo said that if Genie touches you in a sexual way he will be trapped back inside the door handle."

"Can't we just get him to swear at granny?"

"No sorry. Naboo said that's just disrespectful."

"Oh god, i'm going to be manhandled by a Genie."

"Don't worry. I got you this." Vince gave him a white tube.

Howard read it. "Lubrication for the ladies pleasure, oh piss off Vince!" He threw the tube at his friend who had already ran into the night.

He sat there in the dark looking at the shadows who seemed to look back as well. Just then he heard several foot steps coming his way. They drew closer by the second getting faster and faster. "Oh god i don't want to die, I have so much to give."

"Howard?"

He opened his eyes to see a beautiful woman standing there in front of him.

"Oh Betty, hi."

"What are you doing down here?" She said eyeing his clothes up. "Are you a tramp?"

"What me? No don't be stupid." He said laughing in embarrassment. "This is where I write my, err, poetry. I come down here late at night occasionally, while dressed as a...tramp and write poetry."

"Ok then...well I'll see you some other time." She said walking off speedily and mumbling the word freak.

"Bye then."

"You there!" A voice boomed.

Howard spun his head round a saw Genie standing in front of him bold as brass.

"Look what I found on the floor." He held up the tube of lubricant.

"Oh bugger." Howard mumbled.

"Exactly."

Genie jumped on top of Howard. Further up the ally Vince, Naboo and Bollo were watching and Bollo was holding a camcorder.

"This is so going up on Youtube." Naboo said.

#

Back at the Nabootique Howard hobbled back in to find his three disloyal friends huddled round a laptop snigering.

"So you think this is funny then do you?" He shouted.

"It is quite funny." Vince said.

"Half an hour until he was pulled back into the door handle. HALF AN HOUR!"

Bollo laughed and said. "Ring of fire Harry."

"It's Howard you over sized ball bag!"

"If anything that was a compliment." Vince said.

"Shut up." Howard headed upstairs but Vince stopped him.

"Err, one more thing before you go. We sort of videoed what happened and put it on Youtube."

"What?!"

"But look on the bright side, you're famous now. Over thirty thousand reviews, you've got the nickname of Dalston bummer."

Howard trudged upstairs mumbling.

"He'll be ok soon." Vince said to Naboo and Bollo. "So what did you do with Genie."

"Bollo put door handle on toilet door. I did a bit of DIY, painted bathroom as well." He said proudly.

"But Genie gets released by touch of the handle." Naboo said.

"And Howard just went upstairs." Vince said.

Just then Howard's screams could be heard and a booming voice saying. "Time for round two."

**TH**_E M**I**_**G**_H**T**_**Y **B**O**_O**S**_H


	7. The Circus

A/N: This story doesn't have two parts it's just one big story with a brand new villain that I created. Hope you like the story. Rock On!

* * *

Rain poured down and the faint sound of thunder could be heard in the distance followed by a weak flash. It was the middle of the night and everyone was either asleep or inside. The streets were empty apart from a lone figure. The rain and thunder did not bother him, if anything he seemed to enjoy it. The man wore black cowboy boots, badger skin tight trousers, a dark green waistcoat and a dark red coat. Much like one worn by a Ringmaster. His shirt sleeves poked out from his cuffs revealing long dirty fingers.

All of his attire was grubby looking like it hadn't ever been washed. The man walked towards The Velvet Onion and kicked the doors open. As he did this a huge crash of thunder could be heard and lightning lit the room. For a second the mans face could almost be seen.

Bob Fossil fell off a couple of chairs than stood up with haste. "I wasn't doing anything with the chairs." He said nervously.

"Bob Fossil." The man said. His voice gave off an eerie feel.

"Err yeah? Are you the repo man? I swear I can get the money, just give me more time. I have a wife and kids!"

The figure stepped forward revealing his face. Underneath his top hat was scraggly greeny-brown chin length hair. His face was flesh coloured but his eyes had black uneven circles round them and his lips were black as well with three thick lines coming down his chin forming three points. His eyes had a hint of red to them.

"My name is The Ringmaster, and my circus awaits you." He said smiling with yellow teeth.

"Oh goody, I love Circuses. Popcorn and cotton candy. Sounds fun!" Fossil said excited.

"Not this one." The Ringmaster held up his cane that had a silver skull on top of it. It's eyes glowed a threatening red and all that could be heard was a scream that filled the night air.

* * *

T_**H**_E **M**_I__G__**H**__T_Y **B**_OO_**SH**

_T_H**E ****C**_**I**__**R**__C_U**S **

* * *

Vince walked into the Nabootique casually smiling away to himself.

"What time do you call this?" Howard said annoyed pointing to his watch.

"I've got a good excuse this time."

"Oh yeah, what is it? Your hairdryer blew up, got your hair caught in the sliding doors at Tesco's again?"

"That wasn't funny when that happened. Took me all night to sort my hair out."

"Come on then little man, what's your excuse?"

Vince pulled out a flyer from his pocket. "Look, there's a circus in town. Leroy put it through the letter box this morning. So I had to check it out and see what was going on and…" Vince stopped and looked at Howard who had completely frozen.

"Howard are you ok?"

But he didn't reply, he just had a look of pure terror on his face.

"Oh right yeah I forgot. You're scared of Circuses. There's only one way to get him out of this." Vince slapped him across the face.

"ARHH!" Howard screamed. "There was no need to slap me. I've told you about this before, just play some Jazz and I will slowly drift back to reality."

"Yeah and then you'll be in a Jazz trance. So either way you get slapped. Anyway like I was saying. I went to the circus and it was shut, said something about recruiting new talent."

"Circuses are dangerous places Vince." Howard warned him.

"That's only because we got chased by a clown when we went to one on a school trip. I've got over it, you need too."

"That clown had an evil look in his eye, a look of darkness and ill…will."

"It was your Uncle Barry, he worked there. He was messing around."

"Uncle Barry always had an evil look in his eyes." Howard said.

"He wore an eye patch." Vince pointed out.

"All right then an evil look in his _**eye**_. We used to call him Dark eye Barry, his stare will freeze you in time."

"What ever happened to him?"

"Some say he travelled with that circus as a prisoner of comedy, never able to leave."

"Wow." Vince said in awe.

"Turns out he became a marriage councillor for the criminally insane."

"Right." Vince said shaking his head.

"Come on get to work, we need to sell these mugs." Howard held up a white mug with his face on it.

"What is that?" Vince said in shock.

"A Mug with my face on it."

"We are never going to sell them."

Howard sighed in frustration. "And why's that Vince?"

"Well for starters who would want your ugly mug staring at them every time they open the cupboard."

"Are you talking about the mug or my face?"

"Both! Also it smells."

Howard sniffed his mug. "No it doesn't."

"It smells like Jazz." Vince said.

"What does Jazz smell like then?"

"You."

"Look, the head of Pie Face Records said we need to promote ourselves so I ordered two hundred mugs with my face on them."

"Two hundred!" Vince exclaimed. "Oh my god we're ruined."

A postman walked into their shop. "I have a package for a Vince Noir."

"That's me." Vince said raising his hand.

Howard took this chance to try and sell one of his mugs. "Tell me sir," He began. "Do you ever wish that you're tea mug or coffee mug could be spiced up?"

The Postman turned to Vince. "What's he on about?"

"Trust me, just run now."

"Well I have the product for you." Howard held up the mug with his face on it.

"Oh that's horrible, I feel physically sick. I gotta get out of here."

Vince stood in the corner laughing.

"Piss off!" Howard said.

Vince opened up his large parcel and inside were two hundred mugs with his face on and a note which he read out loud. "When I told Howard to promote yourselves he thought his face would work, this is why I took the liberty to put your face on them. Signed head of Pie Face Records."

Vince looked up at Howard who now looked quite sad. "Don't worry, we'll sell them as a double pack. You have to buy one for the other."

"Yeah alright then."

"Good. I've got to go to that circus to see if we can get a gig there. It might have opened up now. Be back soon."

No sooner had Vince left than Naboo and Bollo shuffled back in to the Nabootique with their heads held low.

"What's wrong with you two?" Howard asked.

"Our gig was a complete nightmare," Naboo began. "No one was interested. All they kept talking about was some stupid circus in town."

A wave of sadness came across Bollo's face.

"Hey what's wrong?" Howard asked.

"Bollo was in circus once, many years ago. Had to perform night after night. Same comedy routine every time. Back breaking labour."

"What happened?"

"Got laid loads, I was star. Best time of my life. Miss it loads."

"Ok, I really should stop asking what happens."

"Where's Vince?" Naboo asked.

"He went to the circus. Said he's going to try and get us a gig there."

"That's great that!" Naboo exclaimed even though his voice didn't get louder. "He's supposed to be running the shop."

"Hey the shop is in safe hands." Howard said.

"Maybe safe but not selling hands."

"I can sell things."

"When was the last time you sold something then?"

Howard thought hard but nothing sprang to mind. "Let's not dwindle on the past, shop keeping is about the future. Next person who walks through those doors I'll sell something."

A women walked in the shop and smiled.

Howard smiled back and a look of disgust crossed her face and she ran back out.

"She was probably a lesbian." Howard said defending himself.

"That doesn't make her any less of a customer." Naboo said shaking his head.

Hours passed and Howard wondered if he really was cut out to be a salesman or a musician. Every customer that had walked through those doors had ran away from him screaming or laughing and when ever he said he was in a band no one believed him.

"Maybe I need the charm of a simpleton? No. last time I did that I was in prison for a night. Wait, maybe I could run away to the circus. Cure my fear and take up being a clown. Pick up where my Uncle Barry left off."

Howard looked round the shop realizing no one was there. "Why am I talking to myself?"

A small crooked old man walked out from behind the sofa and said. "I thought you were talking to me?"

"No I wasn't. Get lost."

Bollo walked down the stairs. "Who were you talking to?"

"Myself."

"Freak." He mumbled.

"I'm leaving the shop Bollo. I'm leaving forever, I'm going to become a clown and join the circus just like my Uncle Barry."

"Err, that the one with dodgy eye?"

"Yes it is. Now farewell Bollo, we've had some great times, give my love to Naboo and Vince."

Bollo was left standing in the shop on his own watching Howard walk up the street to the circus. "Goodbye Harold." He mumbled.

Later on that night Vince stumbled back in to the shop laughing.

"Where the hell have you been Vince?" Naboo said frustrated.

"Cool your boot's, I was out with Leroy getting pissed."

"Howard's gone, ran off with the circus. This jerk off didn't stop him." Naboo said whilst pointing to Bollo.

"Sorry." He mumbled.

"Well he couldn't have gone to the circus." Vince said.

"Why not?"

"Because they're still closed. I tried to sneak in but two dwarves in tutu's chased me off with sticks."

"Then where has he gone?"

"Probably to his Jazz Club or something. He'll be back in a couple of days just like before when he stormed off. The owners had to kick him out while he was sleeping. Apparently he was getting too friendly with his trumpet."

Naboo agreed with Vince and headed back upstairs.

Day's past and Howard still hadn't returned. Business had been great, Vince's mugs were selling like hotcakes and Howard's would end up in a dustbin but Vince was starting to realize how much he missed his best friend.

Vince and Bollo (who was reading a newspaper while wearing small reading glasses) were sat around the breakfast table eating cereal, Naboo shuffled in. "Cover up you tits Naboo." Vince laughed.

He ignored this remark and made himself some breakfast. A bowl of Shaman O's. The tag line on the box read. "Guaranteed to boost your shaman powers (can cause death).

"Look at this." Bollo grunted.

He showed Vince the headline. "Missing." Bollo said.

"I didn't know you could read." Vince said.

"Neither did I till today." He replied.

Vince carried on reading. "Say's here that there has been a series of kidnappings reported in the area, strange screams at midnight and an ape going through peoples bins?"

Naboo looked at Bollo crossly. "What have I told you about doing that?"

"Bollo sorry." He mumbled.

"Hey look, they've got a list of whose missing. Bob Fossil, Tony the Prawn, Parka People and…oh no; I knew it!"

"What is it?" Naboo asked.

"Roland Eriko, the manager of Top Shop. I knew something off when I went there yesterday. Oh and Vince Noir's Jazz friend is missing too."

Vince sighed and put his head in his hands.

Bollo put his arm around him. "It's ok Vince."

"I can't believe they put my name and the word Jazz in the same sentence, I'm scared for life now."

"Don't worry, we ask them to retract story."

ELSEWHERE

Howard woke with a jolt. Everything was a blur, after his eyes adjusted he saw faint lights that belonged to game booths. The sound of footsteps drew closer to Howard. "Please don't kill me. I have so much to give."

"I'm not going to kill you." The voice said. "I need you." He put his arm round Howard. "You have blood that I need."

"Oh god you're not going to drain my blood are you?"

"Do I look crazy?" He asked.

"Err?"

"Exactly. You have the blood of a clown." The Ringmaster grabbed Howard's arm and sniffed it. "Aw hell that stinks, smells like Jazz.

But we can get rid of that."

"Where am I?"

"You're in my travelling circus, and you're in luck. I've just recruited new talent. Let me show you."

They walked along where several large cages were. "Here is, The Freak show."

A light flickered to life and Bob Fossil was in the cage. "I'm in my happy place, I'm in my happy place. Ohhhh I'm happy, happy, happy. God I fell depressed."

"Next we have Tony the Prawn, feel his eyes stare into your soul."

"Can I go home now?" Howard pleaded.

"You can never go home Howard TJ Moon, you're here with me forever. Just like you're Uncle Barry was."

"You knew Uncle Barry?"

The Ringmaster nodded. "I had to let him go. His _**eye**_ gave me the creeps. I saw you and your little girl friend that day. I could smell your blood. I smelt comedy. My Circus has travelled for years, we've been round the whole world and we live forever. I've seen every act imaginable. Men juggling fire in their hands, people folded away into a small box, and a woman who could shoot anything out of her you know what. All though I wish I hadn't seen that. Never looked at an egg the same again. You can live forever with us Howard." The Ringmaster extended his grubby hand, his rings seemed to sparkle in the light.

Howard was reluctant to shake, but The Ringmaster promised fame.

"A deal with me is binding. Deal?"

Howard shook his hand. The Ringmaster began to laugh and Howard panicked.

"What are you doing?! Let go of me, oh god!"

"The hell is your problem? I was just shaking your hand dickhead."

"Oh right." Howard said embarrassed.

The Ringmaster shook his head and began to walk down the hall then stopped and turned round. "Are you gonna follow me boy or what?"

In the centre of the sky the moon shinned brightly.

"Did you know that the average life span of a red blood cell is one hundred to one hundred and twenty days. Also blood goes to your brain…I don't have a brain because I'm the moon." He gave of a cheesy smile and spun back round.

As the night dragged on Howard changed into a variety of clown costumes. The Ringmaster sat in a chair looking bored.

"What about this one?" Howard said.

"You look like Christopher Biggins."

"That's a bad thing then?"

"Yes! Because I've got him in my show next week."

"Does that mean he's staying with us?"

"No he, err, he has a special deal." The ringmaster said waving his hand about. "He can leave, but you never can."

"Stop saying that." Howard said annoyed.

"Think of it as an equivalent to a holiday at Butlins."

"That's not really inspiring my confidence."

"Yes I know what you mean, sorry about that." The Ringmaster jumped up out of his seat and held out his hand. Howard reluctantly took it. Just then the floor seemed to disappear and they were falling into the blackness. Howard landed with a thud on the Rollercoaster and The Ringmaster faced him with sinister music playing in the background.

"Make no mistake Howard Moon.

Here you will face the dark.

And believe me it will leave its mark.

In the silence of the night.

You will get a terrible fright.

But when you're on stage you shall gleam and shimmer.

If not…you'll go without dinner!"

The roller coaster moaned and groaned as it slowly came to life.

"Listen to me when I say this,

Your shows will hit and miss,

But what ever you do…DON'T take the piss!"

Howard had failed to notice that the rollercoaster had been climbing up the rails and now it was at the top and there was a hell of a drop.

The Ringmaster smiled maliciously. "What goes up, always comes down!"

The ride hurtled down to the ground but it didn't stop there. It crashed through the floor and carried on going. All the time The Ringmaster was laughing manically and singing.

"When you work for me, you will work like you never have before.

Three, four, maybe even five shows a night and each paying minimum wage!"

"What?" Howard said.

"It's in the contract dear boy." The Ringmaster said snappishly.

"People will clap and people will cheer,

Here, here!

But don't get caught up in that circus act because you made a pact and that's a fact.

Always remember the number one rule."

"Err?" Howard thought. "Always stay calm and cool?"

"No dear boy, that number one rule is…you work for me now!"

The ride screeched to a halt and The Ringmaster clicked his back. "That ride really is murder on my back."

Just as he said that a man wearing what looked like and old fashioned bus conductors uniform walked up. "Come on now, off the ride. You've had your turn, go on bugger off."

The Ringmaster rolled his eyes and hobbled off the ride with Howard following.

BACK AT THE NABOOTIQUE

"How are we going to rescue Howard?" Vince said.

"I'm not sure." Naboo replied. "I remember this happening years ago, some nutter stealing people for his circus act."

"What happened to him?" Vince asked.

"He got drunk one night and someone stole his cane, and whoever possess that cane controls The Circus. Last I heard of it, it was up for sale on E-Bay. He must have tracked it down and got it back."

"So all we need to do is steal his cane. Easy." Vince said smiling.

"Not really. If he catches you he'll just imprison you with it."

"Right." Vince said nodding. "So what we need is someone who wouldn't mind getting caught."

"Where we find someone like that?" Bollo asked.

Vince and Naboo both stared at the ape. "Aww I gotta bad feeling about this." He said.

MUCH LATER AT THE CIRCUS

The Ringmaster stood in front of all his performers which consisted of Bob Fossil, Tony the Prawn, Zooleeoh The Strongman, two Parka People, two dwarves in tutu's and Howard in his clown suit and make up.

"Now boys and girls. The show will commence in ten minutes exactly. Does anyone have a problem with their part?"

Bob Fossil went to raise his hand but The Ringmaster carried on talking. "Keeping in mind what happened to the last person who had a problem." He pointed to a body that was suspended high up in the air wearing odd pieces of clothing. "Think of the humiliation, those clothes don't even match."

Bob raised his hand again.

"What is it?" The Ringmaster snapped.

"Well after the threat I've kinda pee peed myself."

The Ringmaster strode up to Bob and snarled. "How you've managed to survive this long is rather perplexing Mr. Fossil."

"I know, that's exactly what my father used to say while beating me with a fish on the end of a celery stick. He said Bobby,"

The Ringmaster put his finger on Bob's lips and said. "…Shut…up…"

Drum rolls could be heard and the sound of crowds pouring in.

"Places!" He shouted while grabbing Howard by his shoulders. "Listen to me boy, you are my star attraction."

"Well," Howard said modestly. "I have worked with Jurgen Haabermaaster in the past,"

"Jurgen!" The Ringmaster shouted out. "The little wanker still owes me fifty euros and a cheese and pickle sandwich; when I get my hands on that prick…ohhhh he'll have hell to pay."

"Ok I'm sensing some tension between you and Jurgen." Howard said.

"Are you? Are you really?"

"Just take deep breaths and think of a happy place, nice and happy and calm."

The Ringmaster just stared at him and said. "Oh just piss off and get out there."

"Right, ok." Howard said while hurrying off.

The Ringmaster held his stomach and breathed deeply. "Oh blimey, I think my hernia's popped out. Oi dwarf, come here, and bring your stick."

Outside of the tent Vince, Naboo and Bollo waited in line.

"Bollo don't want to do this." He mumbled.

"Come on Bollo, you always said to me you loved the circus and got shagged loads." Vince said.

"You seen the mingers round here?" He said.

"Yeah alright fair point, but you'll be travelling. Going to loads of new places. If you get caught of course, which you won't."

Bollo sighed.

"Come on please. For me."

"Ok, for you Vincey."

"Alright." Vince smiled.

When they reached the door a huge mask wearing a man stopped them. "You need tickets, or you no go inside."

"Oh erm." Vince panicked.

Naboo stepped forward and pulled out his shaman members card.

The mask looked at it. "Ah, Shaman and friends go inside for free. I wish I had special shiny card."

"Don't you get anything?" Naboo asked.

"Well…" The mask thought. "I get dental but that is all."

"But you're a mask wearing a man. You don't have any teeth." Vince said.

The mask though again then said. "Those bastards."

Howard warmed up for his act. He was stretching his legs and arms. "Here we go." He thought. "This is it, a new life away from them other people I was with…what were there names. That's weird. I can't remember them. Doesn't matter now, I think. Get ready Howard TJ Moon. Get ready audience, there's a clown about town."

Vince, Naboo and Bollo sat in their front row seats.

"Wow, these seats are genius." Vince said.

"All part of the Shaman subscription. If you want to become a member then write to Shaman Subscription, Secret Location, POBOX WOODS and you'll get your members card. A Shaman magazine telling you about nifty spells and for a limited time only a turban in your choice of colour. All that just for Twenty nine ninety nine."

"Were you talking to me when you said that?" Vince asked.

Naboo shrugged. "Just people in general."

The lights began to dim and a spot light shone on a person in the centre of the stage. It was The Ringmaster.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, My name is The Ringmaster and tonight we have a special show lined up you for you as I have a new roster of entertainment never seen by any other human eye. Apart from me but I'm not really human. Now I present to you the opening act the wonderful, the amazing, even if slightly disturbing. Howard The Clown!"

Howard walked on stage with the sound of thunderous applause. "Why did you say slightly disturbing?" He asked.

"It's just the build up son, just you wait till I introduce Fossil." He chuckled.

"There he is!" Vince said to Naboo and Bollo. "Oi Howard! It's us!" Vince shouted but he just stared back at them blankly. "What's wrong with him?

"I just remembered," Naboo said. "You forget about your friends and family when your imprisoned."

"Great, anything else you've just remembered?"

"No not yet."

"Hang on, Bollo remembered his friends and family." Vince said.

"Memory thing don't work on animals and retards."

"Great." Vince said.

"We'll have to wait until his act is over." Naboo told them. "Then we'll sneak off backstage, get the cane and free him."

Howard's act went on for several minutes, repeatedly doing funny things like falling over and walking into things. The crowd loved it, for the first time in his life they clapped and cheered at him.

The Ringmaster came back on stage. "A round of a applause for Howard the Clown."

But Howard was still carrying on with his act.

"Ok Howard that's enough, come on that's it. Don't milk it. Will you just fuck off the stage boy!" He roared. His voice sounding distorted and inhuman. Everyone in the audience fell silent and stared at him.

The Ringmaster cleared his throat and said. "Just an old sporting injury. Now for our next act. He will give you chills on top of your…thrills?"

He turned round to face a man backstage. "Who writes this shit?"

"Our next act is Tony the Prawn."

By now Vince, Naboo and Bollo had snuck off back stage.

"We need to distract The Ringmaster." Naboo said.

"Ok, I've got an idea." Vince said. "Oi! Ringmaster, your hat looks stupid!"

"That was your idea?" Naboo said.

"It worked though, he's coming over here now."

The Ringmaster stormed up to them with his eye glowing a powerful red colour.

"Alright wise guy's, which one of you twats said my hat was…Bollo? Is that you boy?"

"Aww Ringey, haven't seen you in years." They both hugged each other while laughing.

"You know him?" Vince said shocked.

"He was my Ringmaster when I was in circus years ago."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Vince asked annoyed.

"I didn't recognize him at first, Bollo is short sighted but afraid to go to opticians."

Naboo and Vince both shock their heads in disbelief.

"What do you two want?" The Ringmaster snapped.

"Well," Vince began. "We kind of want Howard, so if you could just give him back to us."

"Like hell witch boy! Howard stays here with me, I need his blood."

"What are you like a Vampire?" Vince asked.

The Ringmaster sighed. "Metaphorical dick head."

"Is that a no then?"

Course it's a no you idiot."

"Alright don't get sarcastic with me Circus freak show."

Bob Fossil popped his head round the corner. "Did someone call me?"

"No! Get back in your cage ass hole." The Ringmaster shouted back. "I've had it with you lot, I'm going to imprison you forever!" He went to hold up his cane at them but instead it was a long piece of celery.

"What the hell is this?"

Bollo stood there with the skull cane in his hand. "Old Circus trick, learnt it from pickpocket Jimmy." Bollo threw the cane to Naboo.

"Be careful with that." The Ringmaster warned. "My Aunt Hilda gave that to me."

Naboo pointed it at The Ringmaster and said. "Time to put your evil deeds to rest."

The skulls eye's on the cane lit up and it began to shake. The Ringmaster squirmed about while still standing up. White ghost like figures flew out of him and returned to the prisoners bodies. A small ghost flew back into Tony the Prawns body, another flew back to the Parka people. One went back into Bob Fossil.

"Oh that tingles, yes no, oh owww! A little to the left!" He shouted.

Then finally one huge ghost flew out of The Ringmaster. "No not that one!" He screamed. "I need it!" The ghost flew to the top of the circus tent and then through the audience which scared them all away.

"Christ that ones huge." Vince remarked.

Then the ghost flew back into its owner, back into Howard.

"I'm back! I'm free!" He exclaimed. Howard looked around and saw his three best friends standing there. He ran up them and hugged them.

"Oi! Get off!" Vince said. "Rock stars don't hug."

"Oh right, yeah sorry." He said.

Vince smiled. "Good to have you back Howard."

The Ringmaster stood up behind them. His make up half wiped off and half smeared around his face. His eyes glowed red with anger and his hair stuck to his face.

"That's it!" He roared inhumanly. "I'm going to kill you all! I'm going to rip off your heads and put them on a pike outside of my Circus. YOU ARE ALL DEAD! Owwwhhgg! He screamed.

"What's wrong with him?" Vince asked.

"Ohhh Christ, me hernia's playing up again. I'm off." And with that The Ringmaster vanished into his cane which then vanished as well.

"That was weird." Howard said being the first to break the silence.

BACK AT THE NABOOTIQUE

"Thanks for rescuing me guys." Howard said.

"We couldn't leave you behind." Vince said. "You're my guitarist, drummer, keyboard player. You're to valuable to lose."

"Thanks Vince."

"I'm going to watch telly." Vince said.

"I'm gunna smoke my secret stash." Naboo said smiling. "The balls of a lama."

Vince switched the TV on but Howard grabbed the remote. "I'm not watching MTV Vince. Apparently there's a good film on BBC 4."

They waited for the film to start but first they had to get through the adverts.

"What was that?" Howard said.

"What was what?" Vince asked.

"Thought I just heard a squeak behind the sofa."

"Probably Bollo's pet mouse."

"No, sounded like something was moving."

Vince rolled his eyes. "Look it was probably nothing."

Just then a grubby hand landed on both there shoulders. They gulped and looked round to see The Ringmaster there.

"Time for the final act boys."

Vince and Howard both screamed.

Up in the sky the moon shone brightly.

"Go on get lost. Stories over now. Vamoose. Look at me, I'm in a story haha! Now you can't see my yellow teeth ha haha! I'm the moon.

T_**H**_E _M_**I**_G_H**T**_**Y **_**B**_OO__**S**__H_

A/N: I really hope you liked this story and The Ringmaster, if he goes down well I might bring him back. See you next time.


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